life in the battle-zone

I have a bedache today, which not only is short for bad headache, but also means that I am aching to get back to bed. O-if-only I could curl up in a seven-year sleep and shut the horrid old world out for a little while! I had to get up waaaaay too early because I had an appointment with God, no – actually with the metropolitan police (la-di-da, sounds like a kind of 3-coloured ice-cream), but apparently they (the blue, black and white ice-creams) were too busy to make it – ha ha ha ha ha ha she larfs hysterically. A very bad child with very bad head did something bad to the balcony wall which just happens 2 b made out of glass (glass, ha-ha, 'ow very practical these brit's are) – smashed it wif a stone, so they did - so we 'ad to report it to the coppahs. Yurk, these cockney brats have no respect anymore. A pritty normal weekend around 'ere. I just drown out the noise with my mp3 player and “noise-reducing-headphones”..... music is food for the soul they say, in that case my green-blue-spiralling-egg-of-moods-and-destruction must be very very very over-weight, groan that reminds me I am meant to be on a diet, oh curses I forgot again. If I told u how much I weigh u would probably feint, I mean really faint. Actually I did write it down, but my ears travelled into the future and were appalled by the collective clunking sound as heads hit keyboards the world over and sent many very confusing messages to their respective computers which all simultaneously crashed causing a black-hole to occur in the “main-frame” of the “matrix” and o-gosh well I just erased it quickly so now you will never know that detail of my sordid past. I say past because I just smelled a cookie and instantly gained 3 pounds. Dammed metabolism, curses and explosions.
Now u know the sordid truth o-groan. Also, by the way – great shock and scandal briefly occurred when we saw that a Bailiff's Notice had been stuck on our neighbour's door – a very respectable Asian family who live in the flat next-door – threatening to repossess their furniture and all. Lorks. Actually it was for the very disrespectable petty criminals who lived there before, as far as we could ascertain they made their living thru credit card fraud – they also played very, very loud music all the time. They clearly annoyed somebody a good deal, whether it was because of their criminal activities or the noise, because one night a gang of about 20 neighbourhood vigilantes armed with clubs, planks and axes bashed down their door and trashed the flat. Luckily they were out when it happened, which was planned I think, anyway no blood was shed and they moved out a few days later, especially after the metropolitan ice-cream came round asking all kinds of awkward questions. Actually those kind of people r the exception around here, it is just the kids..... we keep saying we r going to move, but so far we have stayed for about 4 years! A lot of the people r really nice and we live a stone's throw from a lovely park and canal where I try 2 walk every day.... it's also very conveniently close to “the city” ie the centre of Lundin where all the money is, cor gosh, bloody capitalist pigs and all that.
My houseplant, I mean my husband (Tiddlebat) has been sick for the past few days and now I think I may be coming down with it too, I feel all prickly and feverish. Anyway, the hungry hordes are waiting and I have to go and bake some codpieces, I mean cod pieces, don't want u to get the impression we do our laundry in the oven!! har har hor hor koff sneeze and all that.